Throughout my lifetime, many soul-stirring questions have sparked my thoughts enough to question my existence, my faith and other such philosophical terms that really give you a headache if you think about them too much. Most recently, though, and most notably, I've struggled with a line from an earth-shattering, heroic film, in which the title character asks an entirely quintessential question''What makes a man, Mr. Lebowski'? In this era of reversed and confused gender expectations, I would venture to say that nobody really knows the answer to that one.

Except for Dairy Queen (DQ), and maybe those wonderful people who make Hummers.

Commercials can be great'they even have those Hugo Awards for the most clever television pitches. In these short segments of advertisements, some companies have created some of the most wonderful and hilarious catchphrases of our day. Remember 'Make 7-Up Yours'? This amazing campaign sparked a line of T-shirts that simultaneously made people laugh, defined a generation that wanted to say 'up yours' in a clever manner and showed that TV ads aren't merely the garbage of the blue liquid test for diapers/tampons or the ambling monotony of lousy automobile commercials.

But, damn it all, televisions pitches sure do piss me off every once in awhile. A recent DQ ad told me that the Chili Meltdown GrillBurger, a chili-cheese covered, double-patty monstrosity, won't only clog your arteries''It'll Make a Man Out of You!' Great'a burger that'll define my gender. What's next'a body spray that'll make me irresistible to women?

The Hummer people might have smacked men in the face too with a recent ad, in which a vegetarian dude checking out at the supermarket laments his lack of manhood in comparison with the beefcake in front of him who purchases a number of bulky meat products. So, to heal the wounds of this emasculating trial, our tragic hero purchases a Hummer! All balance returns to the world, and our veggie hero gains the privilege of keeping his gender identity intact, despite his aversion towards meat products.

You are what you eat'we're all familiar with that clever quip. But, in this wonderful era of television advertising in which commercials entertain and inform, many would assume that we are what we watch.

We're not just lousy pieces of meat, chili and cheese and placed on a bun. Our lives are not predetermined by a set of Man Laws, even though Miller Lite would disagree. We don't need to drive SUVs to reaffirm our manhood, and we certainly don't need Axe Body Spray to attract women'those commercials make every male/female interaction an episode from the Discovery Channel.

Understandably, these commercials' intent center around humor'but at what cost? Our manhood? Our identity? Our integrity? Maybe those words don't mean much anymore.

Most humor banks on slams regarding people's identities. And why not? Laughing seems much easier when you can have a chuckle over someone else's misfortune. So, to all other men out there'we're just laughing at ourselves and the caveman identity that has been placed upon our gender. And that's about as silly as a restaurant called Dairy Queen claiming to know what will make a man.