If I have learned one thing in 21 years of life, it is this.

Valentine's Day sucks.

You're alone. If you go out, you're surrounded by advertisements for chocolates and oversized bears and lingerie. If you stay in, you're forced to watch Meg Ryan movies while you drown your sorrows in a tub of Chunky Monkey.

It is because of this lose-lose situation that a girl will do anything to get a date. To prove my absolute desperation (and I do mean absolute) I have decided to put it all out there.

I'm 21. The biological clock is a-tickin'. So all you single gents out there, looking for a date on the 14th? Here is what I have to offer.

Maggie Malach. Female. Tall, blonde, clumsy.

Hobbies: running, writing sarcastic opinions columns that are read by many but liked by few, making lists, dancing to my ringtone when people call me, driving with the windows down even in cold weather, driving aimlessly while burning a hole in the ozone layer, driving in general.

Likes: artificial cheese products, Something Corporate, Free Sprinkle Wednesday at The Galley, "The Office," KU's chicken patties, Gmail, McDonald's, Wikihow.

Dislikes: Tangents, cold weather, the fake brick sidewalks on the intersection of Frericks and Stonemill, "Jersey Shore," Pittsburgh, the Science Center, Michael Jackson fans, people who vomit in my hair.

Fun facts: May or may not be narcoleptic. Once locked myself in my car. Miss Junior America 2004 contestant. Domino's delivery guys have been known to sing Queen songs to me.

Testimony from roommate, Kim Balio: "I know all of her endearing sleeping habits. Last night Maggie was whistle-snoring. Envision Baby Pegasus in 'Hercules.'"

Looking for: a man with Bradley Cooper's body and Vince Vaughn's sense of humor.

But since I have yet to see such an Adonis wandering around campus, I'll settle for a more realistic guy: tall (above 6'0" is a must). Should have killer abs, a 3.9271 GPA and lots and lots of money to spend on me.

Mad piano-playing skills are a guaranteed go. Must have a fondness for 1990s-era Toyota Corollas, adopting puppies from shelters and a high tolerance for chick flicks. Cute little siblings are a plus. A very big plus.

My dream hottie (and he will be smoking hot) must enjoy long walks across campus at twilight, intimate dinners in KU and breaking it down every once in awhile at Tim's.

Yes, it may seem a little desperate to appeal to my fellow students to bail me out on this, the most romantic day of the year, but if I have learned anything in two decades of being Valentineless, it is this: being single, without a doubt, sucks.

If you're interested in helping a lady save some face on Valentine's Day and think you meet my extemely reasonable standards, please contact me at

maggiewantsaction@gmail.com.

Science majors need not apply.